THE SCARIEST TRICK? ... TEENAGERS!

 

WELCOME TO MY ‘WEB’….
 

EEEEEKKKKK! Good thing it’s Halloween – I’d hate for all this good fright to go to waste. Have you ever had the opportunity to read some of the text messages on your teenager’s phone, especially any that pertain to you? Well I have and talk about an eyeball-popping, blood curdling scream experience!

Seriously, if you EVER want to know how your kids feel about you, read their text. Believe me, they’re in too big a hurry to edit (or sugar coat) it. Now, hold on, save those pitchforks and cauldrons for trick or treating – I wasn’t just snooping. If the little darling isn’t wise enough to keep it put away from the prying eyes of school administrators then it’s fair game as ‘inquiring minds want to know’.

All I can say, though, is careful what you wish for, especially when the motto of the day is “TRICK OR TREAT”. Now, your experience could be different than mine; perhaps your young man (or lady) thinks you do no wrong and walk on water (in which case may I point the way to the Vatican in Rome as that’s where all saints go). My experience, however, was one that I could equate to kinda like loving chocolate but being allergic to peanut butter and getting nothing but Reese’s and Snickers in your Halloween pumpkin.

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL… May you all have more treats than tricks (unless you prefer it the other way around in which case is a whole other blogpost!)

 

 

CUE CARDS AND THE CHANGING CANVAS

In light of the darkness brought about by what was “Hurricane Sandy”, or “Frankenstorm”, or whatever you wish to call it, I am overwhelmed by the gravity of the climatological catastrophe that will no doubt forever change the landscape of the Northeast United States.  But I also subscribe to that old saying: “If I don’t laugh, I’m just gonna sit right down and cry.”

Besides, one could make the argument that especially in the dark, levity does provide some light. I myself am no stranger to that concept, choosing to use humor as a defense mechanism in the face of strife. (Of course that may be why those around me say I have a sick sense of humor sometimes, too.)

I’ve been seeing all these ‘fake’ photos circulating around the web, allegedly showing scenes of sharks swimming through a neighborhood street or water washing waist high on the Statue of Liberty and they got me to thinking… I know, I know about time right?! Anywho… thinking… makes you think - those make about as much sense as the meteorologists standing knee deep in water, struggling against 40 mph wind gusts all the while reading cue cards telling us “If you’re in this area GET OUT”.  Umm… They call them cue cards for a reason people!

Oh, and speaking of cue cards (you knew I was gonna head my horse down this trail at some point didn’t you) wouldn’t they be convenient to have on a date! I’ve been in more than a few situations in the past when they would’ve come in downright handy. For instance, the time I agreed to go on a date with a guy that I met at the auto parts store only to find out he didn’t have a car. Non-driving auto guy - How’s that for an oxymoron… or just plain moron? Anyway, I sure could’ve used a cue card to get me out of that one.  

Anyway, in all sincerity, to all those on the East Coast, my thoughts and prayers go out for you. I hope for you the ability to see that yesterday’s landscape is now perhaps tomorrow’s canvas and that your heart and your strength are able to guide your brush. 

 

NEVER JUDGE A FACE(book) BY ITS COVER

Ok, I’d like to take a poll here (I have to because my soapbox’s last Facebook status put it somewhere near Austin).  Anyway, like I was saying – a poll.  How many of you (men and women) are in some sort of a relationship?... Wow, that many?... Then let’s whittle it down a bit as my Papaw use to say. How many of you are in a relationship and have your real relationship status posted on your Facebook for all the world to see? I’m impressed. Now, one more question. How many of you are in a relationship, with your status posted for the world’s view and are accepting friends that your significant other has no clue who they are and THEIR status says… you guessed it… SINGLE?! I wondered where that cricket went! Well, then, here’s a better question… WHY?

 A friend and I were visiting recently and we decided to do some poking around on Facebook (no not the Facebook version) just to take a random sampling – kinda like the county fair pie judges do. To say we hit paydirt would be like calling the California Gold Strike a winning scratch-off ticket.

Now I realize there are those in the herd (mares and stallions alike) that change their relationship status so often it’s like breeding season at the ranch. Of course they would be more difficult to keep up with (like TMZ trying to keep up with James Bond’s girlfriends). But this isn’t really about that herd. This is more for those who really do at least make an attempt to have one filly (or stallion) in their barn.

So, now back to the original question of WHY. If their answer is something like “My computer did it”, well that’s the equivalent of “The dog ate my homework” (and about as likely). Ok, ok, ok, now stop that – that last tomato almost hit me! Yes, I realize there ARE exceptions and allowances like those people from work or in that person’s industry. Geez! I’m from the country not an Alaskan tundra after all.

To sum it up: Guys, if you’re in a relationship with an alpha mare but decide you fancy the filly with the stockings on the other side of the fence, then before the alpha mare turns you into the ‘literary’ gelding, you might want to make sure you're ready to clear the fence first. (Otherwise you could end up a gelding one way or another anyhow.) I hear a few of you mares whinnying at that so just hold up... If you’re happy with your own private treaty breeding program, then you might want to give your stallion the heads up if some little colt wants to meet you at the fence! (It can get awfully cold and lonely when you're the only one in your barn - and that goes for fillies and colts alike).

 

 

IN LOVING COLOR

Well, here we are on Good Friday, the start of a beautiful holiday weekend full of family, fun, candy and eggs! It's a time to enjoy life and celebrate our families - not to mention overeat and overheat.  It's one of the few times a year that you and your ex should be able to put your differences aside and appreciate your kids - even if in the past you and your ex have tried to hire the same hit man.  Yes, that's right, today's lesson (ok, ok, 'sermon') is on peace and sharing.  Even the Middle East has had successful peace treaties from time to time so why not you? Fine... it goes for me too!

Have you ever really watched kids at an easter egg hunt? Ever notice that sometimes even when a somewhat older child finds an egg first, if they notice a younger child also eyeing it, they'll make a non-display about putting it in that little one's basket? Why can't we do that? Why do we always have to adhere to the "All eggs in one basket - MINE" philosophy? 

Think about it.  Let's say you're at Wal-Mart (I'll be there shortly) and it's the usual pre-Easter egg madness.  You're just reaching for that last box of discount easter egg dye when you notice a young mother with a couple in tow and one 'en route', about to reach for it. Your pennies are tight but obviously hers are bolted down.  What would you do? Would you extend that box or keep it? I'd like to think we'd all tap that young mother on the shoulder and say "I'm sorry, I thought it was something else".  I don't know about you but the feeling of happiness I'd feel passing that box of dye off knowing the color it would bring to more than just a carton of eggs would far outweigh the pinch of paying a little more for the more expensive box.  

Look at it like this: Doesn't everyone deserve a little bright color in their life? That's what I thought.  

MISPLACED & MISMATCHED

... More commonly known as my ever-current Facebook status. For the sake of this article, we'll call them "The M & M's of Dating".  Give me just a minute here, my soapbox is updating ITS Facebook status. Ok, now as I was saying... Misplaced & Mismatched.  What was that?  Do I have a example? Of course I do. I've got so much material on this I could write an entire album from it... Wow... album... I just dated myself didn't I?!

Let's start with 'misplaced'. In today's world there's a GPS for everything - your car, your pet, your computer and, even your kid. So tell me then why is there not one for a person's common sense?  I mean it. I've seen situations where I would actually like to ask someone "Say, fella, misplace your common sense or did it run away from home with your manners?"

I was at a local dance hall recently when a stranger came over and rather than extending a hand, a smile and a polite "Would you like to dance" he grabbed my arm, pulled me from my chair like a center hiking a football and bellowed "Come on. Let's go dance." I informed him he had a better shot at hitting Deion Sanders than he did me. And you think that would've phased him but, this is Texas, and it was 11 pm on a Friday night. Now, a guy who had worn his common sense (or at least put it in his back pocket - the one not holding his can of Copenhagen) would've figured out on the first try if you're going for a touchdown you better have an arm and a chance.

What about Mismatched? I'll continue to use that same armchair quarterback from the other night.  Now before you start emailing and commenting let me interject here that these situations are just as easily at the hands of women as they are men - believe me, I've seen those too. It's just at this moment I'm relating personal experience.

Now, mismatched. One look at that guy and I knew that it was a mismatch in the making. And I'm talking about one as bad as when one of my kids wanted to wear one Scooby-Doo sock and one Snoopy one when she was little... Her reasoning? They're both dogs. Same thing here. Apparently this guy felt because he was a guy in a bar and I was a girl in a bar that we were a match... Wrongo! Let's just say that if he had been wearing Scooby Doo or Snoopy either one, it'd have been an improvement.

So guys (and gals) here's the deal: If you want to put the odds in your favor when you go out somewhere, starch your common sense and wear it along with your dry cleaner jeans!

IT'D BE FUNNY IF IT WEREN'T SO SAD

Just when I think I've heard it all, another doozie flies into my ear. And this one is about as annoying as those little gnats that'll do the same thing to you. I was conversing with a guy recently that is without a doubt simply the Sad Sack of the dating realm. (I'll wait a minute for those too young to remember "Sad Sack".)... ... ... Ok, back now? Kinda scary cause it's really true what I'm about to tell you.

As usual, the conversation started out basic enough - the dating versions of "Who are you and what do you want?" Umm, not to be confused with those same questions asked when a telemarketer calls. Well, as I was about to say - he should've stopped right there but he didn't. If he had, this blog entry might have a little different ending or not be on here at all in fact.

I've found that if I sit there and keep my trap shut, I can learn all sorts of useful things about people. I asked one question that was the equivalent of the "How are you feeling today" question you NEVER ask a hypochondriac. I asked him "What's your status now and where do you see yourself going?" I don't know where he WAS going, but at that point, I can tell you where he DID go - right into my Outbox.

Guys, if you want to catch the attention of a girl, here's a 'how not to' tip. Here's the scenario: You're talking for the first time on the phone to a woman you'd like to meet but haven't yet. You just said in a very reassuring tone that it may not always be possible to respond to emails right away but don't worry, you'll get to them as quickly as possible. (So far so good right?) If you want to have a first date, I recommend stopping right there... Here's what you don't do:  If you don't have internet at home, for the love of a woman, please, please, please don't say "Cause the Internet Provider ran my credit history and refused me even after I told 'em I have bad credit".  

Seriously, you know the old '3 dates before sex' rule? Credit History has a 3 month rule and that's only if you've been out on 89 dates during those 3 months!  And you wanna talk about making a bad situation worse - if you're living in a house now and your goal for improvement is to live in a fifth wheel motor home, you might wanna hold off on that little tidbit too.

The kicker is a few days after that he actually texted me to see why I wasn't interested! Now you see what I mean then about Sad Sack. And no, I'm not being a snob here. I'm just saying I may have to put gas in my teenager's truck to come see me but that doesn't mean I intend to do the same for you!

LOVERS LANE TOUR

There are times when I really wish my mouth could run out of gas like my lawn mower. Events of the last few weeks have certainly given me a lot to think about. And you know what that means... that's right... a lot to WRITE about! Good thing my soapbox had a nice rest (and I hoped it enjoyed it's tropical vacation because now it's gonna need it). 

I'm a big believer in the 'eyes front' philosophy on things like driving, taking tests, noticing your obese neighbor is trying to get your attention by exercising shirtless again. You get the gist here. Anyway, while eyes front is certainly the way to go, sometimes using a verbal rear view mirror (not to mention a verbal brake pedal) is not necessarily a bad thing. Yes, I know, I've visited this topic before. But, as I say, things have happened so like the ladies room at a bar after 3 beers I'm revisiting it again. 

Let me set this up for you: You're in a 'discussion' with your significant other. Now consider this discussion like a drive down a country road - just overlay it on top of the map like the one on your iPhone.  If you can envision your 'discussion' (ladies' code word for disagreement) as that drive here's where you will arrive at that little fruit stand you're looking for in tact and in still in the same car. So, there you are, just tooling along, taking in the sites, discussing the potholes along the way.  Suddenly, you realize your partner's eyes are glazed over and he's drifting towards oncoming traffic. (Getting the metaphors here?) And we all know glazed eyes lead to green eyes - a green eyed monster that is so the fight is on.

Why bring this up? I'll tell you why. I'm hoping to save a few of you from the road blocks that I've hit here lately. And I'm talking about road blocks that Bonnie and Clyde would laugh at! My advice: Whatever it is that is about to come out of your mouth, hit the verbal brake, stop the car 2 blocks back and pull over. Open the door and throw it out like a hitch hiker.  After you've done that, like a good driver, it's always best to check the rear review mirror before re-entering traffic. You'll find Lovers Lane about 4 blocks up on the right. 

Moral of the story: Love is like a rear view mirror - it may have a blind spot (or 2) but it's still generally useful.

BARNYARD BASICS

Do you ever have times when you wish the cat would get someone's tongue before they uttered the words that got your goat?! Huh? What do you mean you don't understand? Didn't your granny ever ask you "Cat got your tongue?" Or how about your papaw exclaim "Well that just gets my goat!" Must be a Southern thing.  Anyway, one such situation arose for me recently. Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know... "Big surprise." 

You see, I was visiting with someone (of the male persuasion) on the phone the other night and honestly, even though the conversation lasted about 20 minutes, the wheels fell off in the first 5. I spent the next 15 trying to get him to shut up so I could hang up. Who was it you ask? Oh, another prospect from one of those online dating sites of course. Another golden opportunity that turned out to be full of iron pyrite (aka fool's gold) along with something else if you get my drift.

Oh, it all started nice enough. We discussed the usual opening, name, occupation, hobbies, kids. It was at that point, though that things took a southern turn if you will. He had remarked repeatedly on how his kids were good at this thing, how they were excellent at that thing and when he mentioned something in common with mine I interjected that observation and promptly had my head verbally taken off! 

I guess I wasn't aware of the new dating rule that says you're not allowed to offer experiences that top a guy's kids... Could someone kindly forward that to me so I don't make THAT mistake again? And everyone who believes that last question was serious please take 10 steps on a 2 foot pier. 

The moral of today's story: if you intend to censor what a woman says then allow me to add another animal to the barnyard cat and goat - a flying pig - because you'll see that before you see a second date if you intend to keep doing that.

"UN"COMMON COURTESY

Well, I must say it's been an interesting 24-hour period. I swear my dating life is like the weather in Texas; if I don't like the way it is right now, give it a hour and it'll change (usually for the worse)! You know how there are coaches for everything nowadays? Life coaches, career coaches, love coaches - you get the picture. Here's one for you: a COURTESY COACH.  Wait, over here, adjust your binoculars for a better view. That's it - keep looking... keep looking... a little more left...  Can you see me now? The person jumping up and down on that soap box like she's Tigger's first cousin is me.  

Where was I? Oh, yeah, courtesy coach.  Seriously, that could be a huge field of opportunity and most of the clients would be men. Hey, that tomato you just chunked was perfectly good! I said 'most'.  I know that saloon door swings both ways. I'm speaking a little more in specifics at the moment. Specifically, about some things I've witnessed disappearing lately.

What do you mean 'what the hell's a courtesy coach? Well, I guess first of all, if you ask it like that, then you should probably get a first-time client's discount. I don't know about you but I prefer the good ole days, the days when courtesy wasn't as rare as an undercooked steak. You know what I mean; the days when a gentleman caller did just that - HE CALLED WHEN HE SAID HE WOULD. (And if he didn't he had the courtesy to at least tell a plausible lie.) I mean it, common courtesy has officially become UNcommon.  

It's simple guys. If you say you're going to call and don't might I suggest staying away from the old "I was busy working and couldn't get to my phone." That one went out with the rotary dial telephone and the advent of the internet. Yes, someone did this to me and yes, I busted him. If you tell ME that one and we found each other online, you can bet that's the first place I'm going to look for you.  Here's how we think: if you have time to go online, you have time to call and/or text. And there's that courtesy thing I'm preaching about! 

So the moral of the story today is "If you want to catch us, call. If you want to keep us, care."

CAMMO, AMMO AND A MUDBATH

In my spare time (what little there is) I like to shoot... Yes, SHOOT. Now don't go ballistic here, all you non-shooting enthusiasts! I'm talking about shooting at a timer target not a bad boyfriend. I don't know if it's from growing up in the country way of life or what but I've always been fascinated by guns so I've nearly always had one nearby. My city girlfriends get excited about having the latest designer shoes and me, well I drool over the latest in cammo and ammo! Ya gotta admit - they're both practical.

Now here's where you get to tell me... "And you wonder why you can't get a date?!"  I was speaking at a chamber of commerce function recently where I made that very comment in fact. But afterwards, it did get me to thinking about it. I've seen the profiles of some of my other girlfriends on these dating websites and where they list things like 'reading', 'curling up watching a movie' or 'crossword puzzles', mine says things like 'hunting', 'fishing' and 'horseback riding'.  What's funny is, when I get an email with my 'current matches' and look at some of them, well let's just say their profile reads more like my girlfriends'. So how is it they're my 'match'?  Seriously, if a guy sending me a email has a hat on, well it better be a baseball cap or cowboy hat; fedora's only work on Frank Sinatra. 

Another example would be this: where a country girl's ideal mudbath comes from a really good day of 'muddin' (four-wheelin') and it's free, my city friends' mudbath is compliments of a pricey spa with a coupon they got on their Iphone. I guess it's all a matter of perspective. Don't get me wrong here... just because we like to play in the mud doesn't mean we like to stay in the mud. We can clean up as well as anyone and we like the feminine side of life too. After all, we too carry things like lipstick and perfume in our purse - they're just usually right next to our laminated fishing license. 

Now if you'll excuse me, it looks like the boss' horse just took a mudbath!