MISPLACED & MISMATCHED

... More commonly known as my ever-current Facebook status. For the sake of this article, we'll call them "The M & M's of Dating".  Give me just a minute here, my soapbox is updating ITS Facebook status. Ok, now as I was saying... Misplaced & Mismatched.  What was that?  Do I have a example? Of course I do. I've got so much material on this I could write an entire album from it... Wow... album... I just dated myself didn't I?!

Let's start with 'misplaced'. In today's world there's a GPS for everything - your car, your pet, your computer and, even your kid. So tell me then why is there not one for a person's common sense?  I mean it. I've seen situations where I would actually like to ask someone "Say, fella, misplace your common sense or did it run away from home with your manners?"

I was at a local dance hall recently when a stranger came over and rather than extending a hand, a smile and a polite "Would you like to dance" he grabbed my arm, pulled me from my chair like a center hiking a football and bellowed "Come on. Let's go dance." I informed him he had a better shot at hitting Deion Sanders than he did me. And you think that would've phased him but, this is Texas, and it was 11 pm on a Friday night. Now, a guy who had worn his common sense (or at least put it in his back pocket - the one not holding his can of Copenhagen) would've figured out on the first try if you're going for a touchdown you better have an arm and a chance.

What about Mismatched? I'll continue to use that same armchair quarterback from the other night.  Now before you start emailing and commenting let me interject here that these situations are just as easily at the hands of women as they are men - believe me, I've seen those too. It's just at this moment I'm relating personal experience.

Now, mismatched. One look at that guy and I knew that it was a mismatch in the making. And I'm talking about one as bad as when one of my kids wanted to wear one Scooby-Doo sock and one Snoopy one when she was little... Her reasoning? They're both dogs. Same thing here. Apparently this guy felt because he was a guy in a bar and I was a girl in a bar that we were a match... Wrongo! Let's just say that if he had been wearing Scooby Doo or Snoopy either one, it'd have been an improvement.

So guys (and gals) here's the deal: If you want to put the odds in your favor when you go out somewhere, starch your common sense and wear it along with your dry cleaner jeans!

IT'D BE FUNNY IF IT WEREN'T SO SAD

Just when I think I've heard it all, another doozie flies into my ear. And this one is about as annoying as those little gnats that'll do the same thing to you. I was conversing with a guy recently that is without a doubt simply the Sad Sack of the dating realm. (I'll wait a minute for those too young to remember "Sad Sack".)... ... ... Ok, back now? Kinda scary cause it's really true what I'm about to tell you.

As usual, the conversation started out basic enough - the dating versions of "Who are you and what do you want?" Umm, not to be confused with those same questions asked when a telemarketer calls. Well, as I was about to say - he should've stopped right there but he didn't. If he had, this blog entry might have a little different ending or not be on here at all in fact.

I've found that if I sit there and keep my trap shut, I can learn all sorts of useful things about people. I asked one question that was the equivalent of the "How are you feeling today" question you NEVER ask a hypochondriac. I asked him "What's your status now and where do you see yourself going?" I don't know where he WAS going, but at that point, I can tell you where he DID go - right into my Outbox.

Guys, if you want to catch the attention of a girl, here's a 'how not to' tip. Here's the scenario: You're talking for the first time on the phone to a woman you'd like to meet but haven't yet. You just said in a very reassuring tone that it may not always be possible to respond to emails right away but don't worry, you'll get to them as quickly as possible. (So far so good right?) If you want to have a first date, I recommend stopping right there... Here's what you don't do:  If you don't have internet at home, for the love of a woman, please, please, please don't say "Cause the Internet Provider ran my credit history and refused me even after I told 'em I have bad credit".  

Seriously, you know the old '3 dates before sex' rule? Credit History has a 3 month rule and that's only if you've been out on 89 dates during those 3 months!  And you wanna talk about making a bad situation worse - if you're living in a house now and your goal for improvement is to live in a fifth wheel motor home, you might wanna hold off on that little tidbit too.

The kicker is a few days after that he actually texted me to see why I wasn't interested! Now you see what I mean then about Sad Sack. And no, I'm not being a snob here. I'm just saying I may have to put gas in my teenager's truck to come see me but that doesn't mean I intend to do the same for you!

LOVERS LANE TOUR

There are times when I really wish my mouth could run out of gas like my lawn mower. Events of the last few weeks have certainly given me a lot to think about. And you know what that means... that's right... a lot to WRITE about! Good thing my soapbox had a nice rest (and I hoped it enjoyed it's tropical vacation because now it's gonna need it). 

I'm a big believer in the 'eyes front' philosophy on things like driving, taking tests, noticing your obese neighbor is trying to get your attention by exercising shirtless again. You get the gist here. Anyway, while eyes front is certainly the way to go, sometimes using a verbal rear view mirror (not to mention a verbal brake pedal) is not necessarily a bad thing. Yes, I know, I've visited this topic before. But, as I say, things have happened so like the ladies room at a bar after 3 beers I'm revisiting it again. 

Let me set this up for you: You're in a 'discussion' with your significant other. Now consider this discussion like a drive down a country road - just overlay it on top of the map like the one on your iPhone.  If you can envision your 'discussion' (ladies' code word for disagreement) as that drive here's where you will arrive at that little fruit stand you're looking for in tact and in still in the same car. So, there you are, just tooling along, taking in the sites, discussing the potholes along the way.  Suddenly, you realize your partner's eyes are glazed over and he's drifting towards oncoming traffic. (Getting the metaphors here?) And we all know glazed eyes lead to green eyes - a green eyed monster that is so the fight is on.

Why bring this up? I'll tell you why. I'm hoping to save a few of you from the road blocks that I've hit here lately. And I'm talking about road blocks that Bonnie and Clyde would laugh at! My advice: Whatever it is that is about to come out of your mouth, hit the verbal brake, stop the car 2 blocks back and pull over. Open the door and throw it out like a hitch hiker.  After you've done that, like a good driver, it's always best to check the rear review mirror before re-entering traffic. You'll find Lovers Lane about 4 blocks up on the right. 

Moral of the story: Love is like a rear view mirror - it may have a blind spot (or 2) but it's still generally useful.

BARNYARD BASICS

Do you ever have times when you wish the cat would get someone's tongue before they uttered the words that got your goat?! Huh? What do you mean you don't understand? Didn't your granny ever ask you "Cat got your tongue?" Or how about your papaw exclaim "Well that just gets my goat!" Must be a Southern thing.  Anyway, one such situation arose for me recently. Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know... "Big surprise." 

You see, I was visiting with someone (of the male persuasion) on the phone the other night and honestly, even though the conversation lasted about 20 minutes, the wheels fell off in the first 5. I spent the next 15 trying to get him to shut up so I could hang up. Who was it you ask? Oh, another prospect from one of those online dating sites of course. Another golden opportunity that turned out to be full of iron pyrite (aka fool's gold) along with something else if you get my drift.

Oh, it all started nice enough. We discussed the usual opening, name, occupation, hobbies, kids. It was at that point, though that things took a southern turn if you will. He had remarked repeatedly on how his kids were good at this thing, how they were excellent at that thing and when he mentioned something in common with mine I interjected that observation and promptly had my head verbally taken off! 

I guess I wasn't aware of the new dating rule that says you're not allowed to offer experiences that top a guy's kids... Could someone kindly forward that to me so I don't make THAT mistake again? And everyone who believes that last question was serious please take 10 steps on a 2 foot pier. 

The moral of today's story: if you intend to censor what a woman says then allow me to add another animal to the barnyard cat and goat - a flying pig - because you'll see that before you see a second date if you intend to keep doing that.

"UN"COMMON COURTESY

Well, I must say it's been an interesting 24-hour period. I swear my dating life is like the weather in Texas; if I don't like the way it is right now, give it a hour and it'll change (usually for the worse)! You know how there are coaches for everything nowadays? Life coaches, career coaches, love coaches - you get the picture. Here's one for you: a COURTESY COACH.  Wait, over here, adjust your binoculars for a better view. That's it - keep looking... keep looking... a little more left...  Can you see me now? The person jumping up and down on that soap box like she's Tigger's first cousin is me.  

Where was I? Oh, yeah, courtesy coach.  Seriously, that could be a huge field of opportunity and most of the clients would be men. Hey, that tomato you just chunked was perfectly good! I said 'most'.  I know that saloon door swings both ways. I'm speaking a little more in specifics at the moment. Specifically, about some things I've witnessed disappearing lately.

What do you mean 'what the hell's a courtesy coach? Well, I guess first of all, if you ask it like that, then you should probably get a first-time client's discount. I don't know about you but I prefer the good ole days, the days when courtesy wasn't as rare as an undercooked steak. You know what I mean; the days when a gentleman caller did just that - HE CALLED WHEN HE SAID HE WOULD. (And if he didn't he had the courtesy to at least tell a plausible lie.) I mean it, common courtesy has officially become UNcommon.  

It's simple guys. If you say you're going to call and don't might I suggest staying away from the old "I was busy working and couldn't get to my phone." That one went out with the rotary dial telephone and the advent of the internet. Yes, someone did this to me and yes, I busted him. If you tell ME that one and we found each other online, you can bet that's the first place I'm going to look for you.  Here's how we think: if you have time to go online, you have time to call and/or text. And there's that courtesy thing I'm preaching about! 

So the moral of the story today is "If you want to catch us, call. If you want to keep us, care."

CAMMO, AMMO AND A MUDBATH

In my spare time (what little there is) I like to shoot... Yes, SHOOT. Now don't go ballistic here, all you non-shooting enthusiasts! I'm talking about shooting at a timer target not a bad boyfriend. I don't know if it's from growing up in the country way of life or what but I've always been fascinated by guns so I've nearly always had one nearby. My city girlfriends get excited about having the latest designer shoes and me, well I drool over the latest in cammo and ammo! Ya gotta admit - they're both practical.

Now here's where you get to tell me... "And you wonder why you can't get a date?!"  I was speaking at a chamber of commerce function recently where I made that very comment in fact. But afterwards, it did get me to thinking about it. I've seen the profiles of some of my other girlfriends on these dating websites and where they list things like 'reading', 'curling up watching a movie' or 'crossword puzzles', mine says things like 'hunting', 'fishing' and 'horseback riding'.  What's funny is, when I get an email with my 'current matches' and look at some of them, well let's just say their profile reads more like my girlfriends'. So how is it they're my 'match'?  Seriously, if a guy sending me a email has a hat on, well it better be a baseball cap or cowboy hat; fedora's only work on Frank Sinatra. 

Another example would be this: where a country girl's ideal mudbath comes from a really good day of 'muddin' (four-wheelin') and it's free, my city friends' mudbath is compliments of a pricey spa with a coupon they got on their Iphone. I guess it's all a matter of perspective. Don't get me wrong here... just because we like to play in the mud doesn't mean we like to stay in the mud. We can clean up as well as anyone and we like the feminine side of life too. After all, we too carry things like lipstick and perfume in our purse - they're just usually right next to our laminated fishing license. 

Now if you'll excuse me, it looks like the boss' horse just took a mudbath!