NEW MEANING TO SELF CHECK-OUT

Well, you know how they say “feast or famine”? That seems to be the case for me and my love life (both are rather skinny these days). Why does it have to be that because you’ve had four kids, if you’re tiny and blond you must be anorexic or something? Yep, you guessed it, here’s another Wal-Mart story!

 

I was in line the other day at a self checkout in Wal-Mart minding my own business for once when I noticed the guy in line behind me kept eye-ballin' me - talk about the self check-out! I tried to ignore him but being stuck between a "Toddlers in Tiaras' level tantrum in front of me and  a guy who could've been a towee on "Lizard Lick" towing, the odds were not in my favor. And so of course it had to happen... he struck up a conversation opening with “Excuse me, mam, but are you single?” Not wanting to be impolite I did what anyone in my situation would do… I LIED and said “No.”  Oh, these conversations never end well!

 

Why is it when you’re in a hurry (or in an awkward situation) there’s no gaping hole to swallow you up when you need one? So I stood there patiently… ok, now not so patiently… waiting on the couple in front of me with the screaming toddler and runny nose infant hoping they didn’t need that cashier to help for a fourth time. And of course they did.

 

Finally, as the kiddy storm blew out of the store, I placed my purchases on the conveyor and began scanning. The guy behind me had continued babbling on apparently oblivious to the fact that I wasn’t really paying attention. Or, that is until I heard him suddenly exclaim “Wow, you eat THAT?... You sure are an itty-bitty thing. Are you one of them that eat then sticks their head in the toilet?”

 

Now, let me stop you here for a moment – in what life do you think that line of questioning will get you a date? Trust me, Charlie Sheen would have a better shot at a nun! What was that? What did I tell the nit-wit behind me? I told him if that was his idea of a compliment then I’d venture a guess his New Years date was playing dominoes with his mother.

 

Seriously, guys, if you want to pay a lady a compliment first rule of thumb is it shouldn’t include the word toilet. Otherwise, I can assure you that’s exactly where your chances are of getting a date!