NEW MEANING TO SELF CHECK-OUT

Well, you know how they say “feast or famine”? That seems to be the case for me and my love life (both are rather skinny these days). Why does it have to be that because you’ve had four kids, if you’re tiny and blond you must be anorexic or something? Yep, you guessed it, here’s another Wal-Mart story!

 

I was in line the other day at a self checkout in Wal-Mart minding my own business for once when I noticed the guy in line behind me kept eye-ballin' me - talk about the self check-out! I tried to ignore him but being stuck between a "Toddlers in Tiaras' level tantrum in front of me and  a guy who could've been a towee on "Lizard Lick" towing, the odds were not in my favor. And so of course it had to happen... he struck up a conversation opening with “Excuse me, mam, but are you single?” Not wanting to be impolite I did what anyone in my situation would do… I LIED and said “No.”  Oh, these conversations never end well!

 

Why is it when you’re in a hurry (or in an awkward situation) there’s no gaping hole to swallow you up when you need one? So I stood there patiently… ok, now not so patiently… waiting on the couple in front of me with the screaming toddler and runny nose infant hoping they didn’t need that cashier to help for a fourth time. And of course they did.

 

Finally, as the kiddy storm blew out of the store, I placed my purchases on the conveyor and began scanning. The guy behind me had continued babbling on apparently oblivious to the fact that I wasn’t really paying attention. Or, that is until I heard him suddenly exclaim “Wow, you eat THAT?... You sure are an itty-bitty thing. Are you one of them that eat then sticks their head in the toilet?”

 

Now, let me stop you here for a moment – in what life do you think that line of questioning will get you a date? Trust me, Charlie Sheen would have a better shot at a nun! What was that? What did I tell the nit-wit behind me? I told him if that was his idea of a compliment then I’d venture a guess his New Years date was playing dominoes with his mother.

 

Seriously, guys, if you want to pay a lady a compliment first rule of thumb is it shouldn’t include the word toilet. Otherwise, I can assure you that’s exactly where your chances are of getting a date!

 

 

 

I JUST DON'T GET IT SOMETIMES

Ok, Ok, get your mind out of the gutter (it’s crowded in there already). I didn’t mean that “IT”. And, NO, I’m not cranky because of a bad weekend. Actually, I had an overall good weekend. Friday night I hung out with a good friend (that’ll be another blog post – just a little tease there). Saturday, I went to the NRHA (National Reining Horse Association) finals in Oklahoma City where there were Wranglers for days! I mean, talk about your sight-seeing….! Of course there were some sights I’d rather have not seen, too (again, another entry there). And, Sunday, I spent at Southfork Ranch (where the TV show “Dallas” was filmed) with my daughter and a friend paying respect to the late Larry Hagman.

 

What? Oh, what I don’t get… yes… sorry, got side-tracked for a moment. Anyway, as I was saying, I just don’t get it. What ‘it’ is? Well, a couple of things that seem to go hand in hand: one is text etiquette (or lack thereof) and the other is negativity (what I like to call “David Downer”).

 

First, texting: Why can’t guys understand when you tell them “Please don’t text or call first thing in the morning because you know I’m working outside” you’re actually talking to THEM? They’re like a crooked Louisiana politician – they think the rules only apply to the other little politicians.

 

 And, have you noticed they’re the same guys who when they text you and you don’t answer right away you suddenly get what I call ‘text rain’? That’s where they rain texts down on you like the 40-day flood and they all amount to the same thing – you haven’t answered them within 60 seconds. Well, here’s a little tip: it’s a little hard to answer a text when you’re either on a four-wheeler feeding livestock in an icy wind or, as was the case on the return trip Saturday night, driving your boss’ truck barreling down the highway at 80 mph! I mean, really, guys, come on.

 

Now, another thing I’ve noticed that goes along with the “desperately seeking text” attitude is the “desperately seeking anyone” attitude. That’s the one where the person you’re chatting with starts to give you the impression that you could be anyone and they’d be happy.

 

What are the signs? For one, they always seem to be down or negative mostly because you haven’t messaged or talked with them 10 times a day. Do you really think answering “How was your day” with “Lonely” is gonna score you the happy face emoticon? Not with me it won’t. Nor will constant comments like “I don’t understand why you can’t just stop and talk whenever I call” or “It would only take a couple of seconds to stop and answer a text”… Yes, I’m gonna drop that fourth 50 pound sack of feed I’ve just unloaded right there in the barn alley and answer your one word text of “HI”.

 

And you seriously wonder why you’re single? Talking about not getting it… well there’s a surprise!

HORSE DOWN, FEET DOWN

Wow, what a week! This has been a week with so many ups and downs for me it’s like watching a saddle bronc rider at the rodeo. But, I’m sure we’ve all had those. And if last night is any indication, it looks like I may end the week doing the old ‘flyin’ squirrel’ bucking horse dismount made famous by the great Monty “Hawkeye” Henson… Remember him? As they say: horse down, feet down! (Just hope I land on my feet like he did.)

Today, I celebrate my friends that have helped me through the bronc ride that is my love life – especially this last week. I absolutely know that no matter what, they have my back and I hold onto that like that bronc rider holds the rein. I love the fact that they always seem to know what to say (and sometimes more importantly what NOT to say) when I get in these moods.

 

 I have no illusions that I can be difficult at best from time to time to deal with. So all the while they’re telling me “it’s okay, you’ll get past this” or “don’t worry, it just means there’s someone else out there” I know somewhere deep down inside they’re probably resisting the urge to say things like “if you don’t straighten up I’m gonna put a boot up the chute” or “you’re so lucky; at least when you snore there’s no one there waking you up to tell you to stop”.

 

So, thank you dear friends for all of your kind words (spoken or not). You’ll be glad to know that this is today’s exercise for me:

 

STEP ONE:  

Cross the arms...

STEP TWO:  

Grab ears...

STEP THREE:         

Pull head out of rear. (If you hear a little pop, that’s success not a pulled muscle.) And I just heard a pop that was more like a Macy's Day parade balloon bursting... Oww!

 

As my workout idol Jane Fonda is famous for saying: “No pain, no gain”. Don’t you think that’s appropriate for the dating workout too? If you think about it - they both can leave you mentally and physically drained except for brief moments of endorphin highs... if you know what I mean!

 

HAPPY FRIDAY Y'ALL!!!

 

 

WHY WOULDN'T I?

Well, so, yesterday’s blog got me all kinds of comments, likes and, to be honest, a few dislikes apparently. I got one email from a guy I know (but to be quite honest have them nestled in the ‘friends’ category) to inform me that I'm being too picky because they were a ‘good guy’, they would be more than happy to cook me dinner or help me with the horses or whatever else I may want or need. They would be there, ‘willing and wanting to help’ (their words not mine). They offered what any woman would love to hear, including myself. So then why DIDN’T I want to go out with them?

 

It made me stop and think. Why wouldn’t I? Apparently I made such a big deal about searching for a nice guy that I overlooked a key part of the quest – desire.  If they’re not the one you can’t wait to get home to see or the one that makes you catch your breath when you think of them, then it’s about as believable as Lindsey Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor. And trust me, at some point you and the producers of that film will be asking exactly the same question: “What was I thinking?”!

 

Now, before you go getting all "don't go looking a gift horse in the mouth" on me, hear me out. I take back nothing I said about nice guys and how I'd like to find one of my own. I simply mean you have to be realistic about what it is you are looking for.

 

I guess in horse terms you can put it like this: it’s like trying to find that perfect balance between a halter horse (known more for looks), a reining horse (known for excitement) and a ranch horse (known for practicality and dependability). Now, if you could find me a guy with all of that it’d be like hitting the equine jackpot of love!

 

Again, for me anyway, it’s about balance here. After all, there is cold food and hot food but, when it comes right down to it, you can’t really have steady sustenance if you don’t have fire.  And that’s true of food AND relationships.

They DO Exist!

You know that holiday commercial where the M&Ms and Santa Claus stumble onto each other and give each other the “He does exist”… “They do exist”… and faint? Well, that’s kinda how I feel when someone tells me their “Hey, can you believe my sweetie cooked me dinner and then did the dishes because I was working late” story.

Apparently, some of you think I have somewhat of a ‘jaded’ view of men these days… Wonder why. Never mind – that dead horse’s been beat enough.  Now, where was I? Oh, yes, my reminder. You see, I was chewed on like a cribbing horse on a carrot juice soaked post for lumping all men into that one ‘all men are pigs’ category (the old ‘the few pay for the sins of the many’ thing). Huh? What’s backwards? It’s important to say here however that the ones who were kind enough to point out that some men are good are those who are in relationships with them.

Don’t go fainting like the M&Ms now when I say this but here goes: “They DO exist.” Yes, I said that with a straight face. Even I know it’s a statistical improbability that you can lump the entire male species into the ‘jerk’ category. If you could, there’d be no reason for OB-GYNs to hand out pills because men could simply use their personality as birth control. Come to think of it, I do know a few that really should.

So, to those of you good men who ARE in the category of Santa Claus and talking M&Ms, I applaud you. To those of you women who are in relationships with them, I envy you. If there are any of those good men who are by chance single, please let me know because my flying reindeer need a landing strip.

THAT WAS YOUR 'ICE BREAKER'?

Yep, I’m at it again.  While my friends have been surfing the web since Black Friday for shoes, electronics, toys (for their kids) and even jewelry, I’ve been using it to net a different sort of gem. And boy have I seen some doozies and floozies!

Having had a couple of days now to reflect on the events of last week has given me a much better perspective on things… not to mention more writing ammo! No, I CAN’T help it – not when what some of you guys send is so bad that for me it’s like shooting fish in a barrel.

And, as for some of your opening lines well let’s just say that you want to be careful what you write to break the proverbial ice – you could end up going through it instead! I mean really – whose bright idea was it to send someone you don’t know a message that actually read “Hey, I really liked your ‘pic’ so I thought I'd write to break the ice. I was wondering how you would look in Victoria’s Secret rather than jeans. Honestly I wonder how you’d look out of Victoria’s Secret?” Really? You write something like that as an ice breaker and don't expect me to use it as a 'something else' breaker? Then by all means keep writing... I'm taking notes! 

On the up side, after what happened last week, I needed a different sort of a ‘pick-me-up’ (no not the 2 am lights on at the bar kind thank you very much). I honestly was just looking for giggles and grins and, like a Disney movie, considering the messages like the one I just told you about, the computer didn’t let me down. What’s that? Did I answer that one? What do YOU think? Ummm. NO!!

And while we're on the subject of 'shopping'... if there’s one thing I can put on your level in the context of the holiday shopping season it’s this: we’re NOT ‘Toys R Us’. We’re not here for you to take off the shelf in Aisle 8, only to handle us for a bit then toss us back on any old shelf in Aisle 10, because you just found the newest doll!

Seriously, that Victoria’s Secret doll you just picked up may be cute but odds are her idea of camping out is the Ritz Hotel without hot water. You realize the cost of that stay is about the equivalent of a downpayment on that bass boat you’ve been eyeing?... And in rough wake, you know you can count on that boat!

 

GAME CHANGER

QUESTION: What does it mean when you break up with someone and you suddenly feel like a truckload of wet, molded hay was just lifted off your shoulders? MY ANSWER: It means the person you were with was about as good as that molded hay.

Guys, I’m gonna do you a little favor here… No not THAT kind of favor… mind… gutter… Ok, back now? Good. Oh, yes, favor. Now, here’s another question: What do you do when your girlfriend says “Would you rather watch to game or be with me this holiday?” If you’re hearing the Jeopardy theme music while you’re thinking, then that molded hay already looks better than you. IT’S A TRICK QUESTION to some guys apparently.

Guys, if your girl asks that question, there is only ONE right answer – anybody know what it is yet? Good for you! That’s right – the answer is “I can tevo that game and watch it anytime I’d much rather be with you”. Anything other than that and you’ll find yourself in the burn pile right along with the molded hay. 

How do I know? This happened to me, fairly recently, too. I was in a relationship with someone that I really cared about and thought for awhile they cared about me. Little by little, I was starting to see signs that something was ‘rotten in Denmark’. But, I really, really liked this guy and wanted things to work out. But, he DID choose the game over me and city girls would call him something like a “schmuck” or a “putz”. (Here in the country we call them much worse and believe me – I DID.)

Guys, do you have a clue how hurtful something like that is to your lady? What you see: “I just wanted to watch a game”.  What we see: “You chose tv over me so you must not want to be with me”.  Same picture, two different views.

Now, to the ladies, I must warn you: DON’T ASK A QUESTION YOU MIGHT NOT WANT THE ANSWER TO! Think about that very carefully. What you must put into perspective is if he’s showing signs that you feel the need to ask that question in the first place then odds are that football game is the least of your worries.

What did I do? Really, do you have to ask? Have you been reading my blog? I gave him the boot. Was I hurt? Of course I was. What girl wouldn’t be? I was extremely hurt to realize that the man I had fallen for was just a shell.

Moral of the story here:

 

GUYS: If you really care for your gal then show her - tevo the game and be happily by her side knowing you can go home and watch that game 3 times if you want to. And, I assure you, she’ll be very happy and thankful (if you know what I mean). But, if you're foolish enough to choose a game on tv with absolutely no merit to you over the one person who actually enjoys your company in real time, then your team's loss is nothing compared to yours.

 

GALS: If he chooses that game over you then I'd say that gives the phrase 'game changer' a whole new meaning. But, if he records the game and chooses to be with you, don’t take that for granted because you have no idea how lucky you are.

THE SIDEARM AND THE TURKEY

Ok, so you knew I had to do it didn’t you? I just couldn’t resist the urge to touch on the Petraeus/Broadwell/Kelly saga. Sorry but when it’s right there for the taking, resisting is like trying to keep a shopaholic home on Black Friday.  (You’d have better luck with the shopaholic). 

 Now, if you’ll just give me a minute to adjust my soapbox here… That’s better… Now, where was I? Oh, yes, right – the good ol’ three way. Shooters sometimes refer to their pistols as their ‘sidearm’ or their ‘side piece’ meaning that it’s just hanging there, at their side waiting for the chance to be used. Well, I can’t think of a better expression to use when talking about Paula Broadwell or Jill Kelly – can you? (And Kim Kardashian thought she had the market cornered on that!)

I know the debate has been raging on about whether or not the General’s private affair should be considered a matter of national security and to me, I’m kinda torn on the issue personally.  YES: he was the head of the CIA and should’ve known that he’d get caught – although it turns out that came about more as a matter of the old ‘hell hath no fury as a woman scorned’ scenario, ie, Paula Broadwell’s email to Jill Kelly. NO: it’s a wide creek to cross from bedroom to war room and I highly doubt when he was with Ms. Broadwell the war room was what was being discussed (if it was then he had a lot more serious problems to worry about given the looks of Paula Broadwell)!

Is it ever right to cheat on your other half? OF COURSE NOT! But at what point do we in this social media, papparazi hungry society draw the line? I was always taught you knock before entering someone’s bedroom. There is no more ‘reasonable expectation of privacy’. The sooner we all realize that the sooner producers of shows like “Cheaters” will realize they’re being replaced by Facebook (gives new meaning to ‘check in’) and Twitter (a little birdie tweeted that).

Moral of the story here is: If they did it with you, they’ll do it to you… and they usually do.  So, if you want the only turkey in your house to be the one on your dining room table on Thanksgiving, I suggest you cater only to your partner’s dressing!

 

THE SECRET INGREDIENT

I’m not just talking about the sugar in your Mamaw’s cornbread or the beer in your Papaw’s hushpuppies. And no, I’m not even talking about General Petraeus’ squeeze – although she does give new meaning to the phrase ‘soldier’s sidearm’ … that’s a whole other blog… coming soon to a sarcasm theater near you. This time, I’m talking about something a little closer to home. This time, I’m referring to that one thing you can’t put your finger on that just seems to be missing from someone.

Now, let’s go back to the sugar in the cornbread and beer in the hushpuppies analogies for a moment. Let’s say you have 2 pans of cornbread in front of you – one with the ‘secret’ ingredient and one without and you’re asked to do a taste test and see if you can tell the difference… Well, duh… of course you can (especially if you’re from the south). You see, while they’re both very good, the one with the sugar just has a little something extra, something that makes you go ‘mmm mmm mmm I’d like some more of that!’ It’s that something extra that is so good you’ll risk reaching for it if the lights go out with one slice left on the plate and everyone but you is armed with a fork.  Yes, been there done that, got the fork holes in my hand to prove it!

Anybody see where I’m going with this yet? I knew you were smart. Of course you do… relationships. Just like those secret ingredients, there’s something we’re always looking for in that special someone in our lives. Whether it’s an extra dedication to work, or the person who always seems to have a little extra time for their kids or their parents or close family members.

For me, my sugar is compassion. It’s that person who has the heart of little “Cindy Lou” as opposed to the “Grinch” from Dr. Seuss’ “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”. Without compassion, children can’t be cured from cancer because no one would care to give. Without compassion, soldiers returning home from war would all be homeless and hungry because no one would care enough to see them and take them in. I look for someone who cares for more than just what’s in their immediate vicinity – for that shows the true depth of their heart.

To me, compassion is the sugar - the secret ingredient in a relationship. Like the cornbread with no sugar, if it’s missing, it isn’t good enough to keep me wanting more. There’s a saying that the most important ingredient in a recipe is LOVE. And here in the south that ranks right up there with the lard that goes into our homemade pie crusts! Why should it be any different in a relationship?  Without compassion, love is sugarless cornbread.

This week, especially, how about we all use a little extra sugar… and not just in the cornbread!

 

SHHHH..... DID YOU HEAR THAT?

Ok, get ready ‘cause my soapbox has had a good rest and I’ve got a good lesson for today! Now, this is something I’ve touched on in the past but I believe it bears repeating. Today’s message: ‘actions (or inactions) speak much louder than words. Yes, guys, we DO notice those things too.

Generally, it’s been my experience that if you want to get to know someone you ask them questions. To me, in fact, that’s a very good gauge for how much someone is interested. When I meet someone that I’m really interested in, I enjoy finding out about them, their life, what they want from it, that sort of thing. No, not like a job interview... although, I guess it could be considered that way. If I’m not that interested, the questions are about as plentiful as Coastal grass in the desert. So, naturally, I look for those same indicators from the person I’m with. You see, you can actually find out quite a bit more about someone by what they DON’T do or ask than what they DO. For instance, if they’re more interested in what you do for a living and why, if you can do more, things like that than what you are looking for in a relationship and out of life, well that should be a huge red flag. 

Another indicator – that they have no interest in your friends, family or activities outside them. If ‘something suddenly came up’ when you extend an invitation to them to join you and your friends somewhere becomes a recurring theme – you should probably subscribe to the Bill Ingvall theory of “here’s your sign”!

Now this is for those of us who are not married obviously but I suppose to a certain extent it could apply to all those, too. Let me set the scene for you: you’re having a conversation with your significant other… What’s that? Where? It doesn’t matter…Anyway, like I was saying, conversation.

Like Edith Bunker to Archie on “All In the Family”, you ask one simple question: “How was your day?” And with that, like Archie’s typical long-winded, one-sided response, they’re off. Then you’ve been sitting there for 20 minutes now listening to them go on and on about their day, their co-workers, their family, their life and it suddenly hits you - you’ve been sitting there for 20 minutes now listening to them go on and on about their day, their co-workers, their family, THEIR life. What about yours? So, when they stop to take a breath you interject a little tidbit that you think is equally as interesting from your day (I wouldn’t suggest leading with the office gossip about the party girl that sits next to you though) when suddenly, without warning, they’ve turned it back to them again. How did that happen? 

So, if you want to know if someone is REALLY interested in you, listen for what’s NOT being asked… You just might hear what's actually being said.