THAT WAS YOUR 'ICE BREAKER'?

Yep, I’m at it again.  While my friends have been surfing the web since Black Friday for shoes, electronics, toys (for their kids) and even jewelry, I’ve been using it to net a different sort of gem. And boy have I seen some doozies and floozies!

Having had a couple of days now to reflect on the events of last week has given me a much better perspective on things… not to mention more writing ammo! No, I CAN’T help it – not when what some of you guys send is so bad that for me it’s like shooting fish in a barrel.

And, as for some of your opening lines well let’s just say that you want to be careful what you write to break the proverbial ice – you could end up going through it instead! I mean really – whose bright idea was it to send someone you don’t know a message that actually read “Hey, I really liked your ‘pic’ so I thought I'd write to break the ice. I was wondering how you would look in Victoria’s Secret rather than jeans. Honestly I wonder how you’d look out of Victoria’s Secret?” Really? You write something like that as an ice breaker and don't expect me to use it as a 'something else' breaker? Then by all means keep writing... I'm taking notes! 

On the up side, after what happened last week, I needed a different sort of a ‘pick-me-up’ (no not the 2 am lights on at the bar kind thank you very much). I honestly was just looking for giggles and grins and, like a Disney movie, considering the messages like the one I just told you about, the computer didn’t let me down. What’s that? Did I answer that one? What do YOU think? Ummm. NO!!

And while we're on the subject of 'shopping'... if there’s one thing I can put on your level in the context of the holiday shopping season it’s this: we’re NOT ‘Toys R Us’. We’re not here for you to take off the shelf in Aisle 8, only to handle us for a bit then toss us back on any old shelf in Aisle 10, because you just found the newest doll!

Seriously, that Victoria’s Secret doll you just picked up may be cute but odds are her idea of camping out is the Ritz Hotel without hot water. You realize the cost of that stay is about the equivalent of a downpayment on that bass boat you’ve been eyeing?... And in rough wake, you know you can count on that boat!

 

GAME CHANGER

QUESTION: What does it mean when you break up with someone and you suddenly feel like a truckload of wet, molded hay was just lifted off your shoulders? MY ANSWER: It means the person you were with was about as good as that molded hay.

Guys, I’m gonna do you a little favor here… No not THAT kind of favor… mind… gutter… Ok, back now? Good. Oh, yes, favor. Now, here’s another question: What do you do when your girlfriend says “Would you rather watch to game or be with me this holiday?” If you’re hearing the Jeopardy theme music while you’re thinking, then that molded hay already looks better than you. IT’S A TRICK QUESTION to some guys apparently.

Guys, if your girl asks that question, there is only ONE right answer – anybody know what it is yet? Good for you! That’s right – the answer is “I can tevo that game and watch it anytime I’d much rather be with you”. Anything other than that and you’ll find yourself in the burn pile right along with the molded hay. 

How do I know? This happened to me, fairly recently, too. I was in a relationship with someone that I really cared about and thought for awhile they cared about me. Little by little, I was starting to see signs that something was ‘rotten in Denmark’. But, I really, really liked this guy and wanted things to work out. But, he DID choose the game over me and city girls would call him something like a “schmuck” or a “putz”. (Here in the country we call them much worse and believe me – I DID.)

Guys, do you have a clue how hurtful something like that is to your lady? What you see: “I just wanted to watch a game”.  What we see: “You chose tv over me so you must not want to be with me”.  Same picture, two different views.

Now, to the ladies, I must warn you: DON’T ASK A QUESTION YOU MIGHT NOT WANT THE ANSWER TO! Think about that very carefully. What you must put into perspective is if he’s showing signs that you feel the need to ask that question in the first place then odds are that football game is the least of your worries.

What did I do? Really, do you have to ask? Have you been reading my blog? I gave him the boot. Was I hurt? Of course I was. What girl wouldn’t be? I was extremely hurt to realize that the man I had fallen for was just a shell.

Moral of the story here:

 

GUYS: If you really care for your gal then show her - tevo the game and be happily by her side knowing you can go home and watch that game 3 times if you want to. And, I assure you, she’ll be very happy and thankful (if you know what I mean). But, if you're foolish enough to choose a game on tv with absolutely no merit to you over the one person who actually enjoys your company in real time, then your team's loss is nothing compared to yours.

 

GALS: If he chooses that game over you then I'd say that gives the phrase 'game changer' a whole new meaning. But, if he records the game and chooses to be with you, don’t take that for granted because you have no idea how lucky you are.

THE SIDEARM AND THE TURKEY

Ok, so you knew I had to do it didn’t you? I just couldn’t resist the urge to touch on the Petraeus/Broadwell/Kelly saga. Sorry but when it’s right there for the taking, resisting is like trying to keep a shopaholic home on Black Friday.  (You’d have better luck with the shopaholic). 

 Now, if you’ll just give me a minute to adjust my soapbox here… That’s better… Now, where was I? Oh, yes, right – the good ol’ three way. Shooters sometimes refer to their pistols as their ‘sidearm’ or their ‘side piece’ meaning that it’s just hanging there, at their side waiting for the chance to be used. Well, I can’t think of a better expression to use when talking about Paula Broadwell or Jill Kelly – can you? (And Kim Kardashian thought she had the market cornered on that!)

I know the debate has been raging on about whether or not the General’s private affair should be considered a matter of national security and to me, I’m kinda torn on the issue personally.  YES: he was the head of the CIA and should’ve known that he’d get caught – although it turns out that came about more as a matter of the old ‘hell hath no fury as a woman scorned’ scenario, ie, Paula Broadwell’s email to Jill Kelly. NO: it’s a wide creek to cross from bedroom to war room and I highly doubt when he was with Ms. Broadwell the war room was what was being discussed (if it was then he had a lot more serious problems to worry about given the looks of Paula Broadwell)!

Is it ever right to cheat on your other half? OF COURSE NOT! But at what point do we in this social media, papparazi hungry society draw the line? I was always taught you knock before entering someone’s bedroom. There is no more ‘reasonable expectation of privacy’. The sooner we all realize that the sooner producers of shows like “Cheaters” will realize they’re being replaced by Facebook (gives new meaning to ‘check in’) and Twitter (a little birdie tweeted that).

Moral of the story here is: If they did it with you, they’ll do it to you… and they usually do.  So, if you want the only turkey in your house to be the one on your dining room table on Thanksgiving, I suggest you cater only to your partner’s dressing!

 

THE SECRET INGREDIENT

I’m not just talking about the sugar in your Mamaw’s cornbread or the beer in your Papaw’s hushpuppies. And no, I’m not even talking about General Petraeus’ squeeze – although she does give new meaning to the phrase ‘soldier’s sidearm’ … that’s a whole other blog… coming soon to a sarcasm theater near you. This time, I’m talking about something a little closer to home. This time, I’m referring to that one thing you can’t put your finger on that just seems to be missing from someone.

Now, let’s go back to the sugar in the cornbread and beer in the hushpuppies analogies for a moment. Let’s say you have 2 pans of cornbread in front of you – one with the ‘secret’ ingredient and one without and you’re asked to do a taste test and see if you can tell the difference… Well, duh… of course you can (especially if you’re from the south). You see, while they’re both very good, the one with the sugar just has a little something extra, something that makes you go ‘mmm mmm mmm I’d like some more of that!’ It’s that something extra that is so good you’ll risk reaching for it if the lights go out with one slice left on the plate and everyone but you is armed with a fork.  Yes, been there done that, got the fork holes in my hand to prove it!

Anybody see where I’m going with this yet? I knew you were smart. Of course you do… relationships. Just like those secret ingredients, there’s something we’re always looking for in that special someone in our lives. Whether it’s an extra dedication to work, or the person who always seems to have a little extra time for their kids or their parents or close family members.

For me, my sugar is compassion. It’s that person who has the heart of little “Cindy Lou” as opposed to the “Grinch” from Dr. Seuss’ “How the Grinch Stole Christmas”. Without compassion, children can’t be cured from cancer because no one would care to give. Without compassion, soldiers returning home from war would all be homeless and hungry because no one would care enough to see them and take them in. I look for someone who cares for more than just what’s in their immediate vicinity – for that shows the true depth of their heart.

To me, compassion is the sugar - the secret ingredient in a relationship. Like the cornbread with no sugar, if it’s missing, it isn’t good enough to keep me wanting more. There’s a saying that the most important ingredient in a recipe is LOVE. And here in the south that ranks right up there with the lard that goes into our homemade pie crusts! Why should it be any different in a relationship?  Without compassion, love is sugarless cornbread.

This week, especially, how about we all use a little extra sugar… and not just in the cornbread!

 

SHHHH..... DID YOU HEAR THAT?

Ok, get ready ‘cause my soapbox has had a good rest and I’ve got a good lesson for today! Now, this is something I’ve touched on in the past but I believe it bears repeating. Today’s message: ‘actions (or inactions) speak much louder than words. Yes, guys, we DO notice those things too.

Generally, it’s been my experience that if you want to get to know someone you ask them questions. To me, in fact, that’s a very good gauge for how much someone is interested. When I meet someone that I’m really interested in, I enjoy finding out about them, their life, what they want from it, that sort of thing. No, not like a job interview... although, I guess it could be considered that way. If I’m not that interested, the questions are about as plentiful as Coastal grass in the desert. So, naturally, I look for those same indicators from the person I’m with. You see, you can actually find out quite a bit more about someone by what they DON’T do or ask than what they DO. For instance, if they’re more interested in what you do for a living and why, if you can do more, things like that than what you are looking for in a relationship and out of life, well that should be a huge red flag. 

Another indicator – that they have no interest in your friends, family or activities outside them. If ‘something suddenly came up’ when you extend an invitation to them to join you and your friends somewhere becomes a recurring theme – you should probably subscribe to the Bill Ingvall theory of “here’s your sign”!

Now this is for those of us who are not married obviously but I suppose to a certain extent it could apply to all those, too. Let me set the scene for you: you’re having a conversation with your significant other… What’s that? Where? It doesn’t matter…Anyway, like I was saying, conversation.

Like Edith Bunker to Archie on “All In the Family”, you ask one simple question: “How was your day?” And with that, like Archie’s typical long-winded, one-sided response, they’re off. Then you’ve been sitting there for 20 minutes now listening to them go on and on about their day, their co-workers, their family, their life and it suddenly hits you - you’ve been sitting there for 20 minutes now listening to them go on and on about their day, their co-workers, their family, THEIR life. What about yours? So, when they stop to take a breath you interject a little tidbit that you think is equally as interesting from your day (I wouldn’t suggest leading with the office gossip about the party girl that sits next to you though) when suddenly, without warning, they’ve turned it back to them again. How did that happen? 

So, if you want to know if someone is REALLY interested in you, listen for what’s NOT being asked… You just might hear what's actually being said.

NATIONAL DAY OF THE BFF

What do you mean 'that's not a holiday'? It should be don't you think? Seeing as how my soap box has a touch of laryngitis and may take til Monday to get better, I thought I’d continue on yesterday’s theme about friends. We’ve all said this phrase at one time or another I’m sure (I know I have): “We couldn’t be closer if we were blood-related”.  This expression got me to thinking. (I’ll wait while you get through with your ‘oh, so that’s what that smell is… I thought you were burning bacon’ comments.) All good now? Ok then.

We all have people that come and go in our lives, co-workers, significant others, acquaintances. What about those people, though, who seem to be able to stick with us inspite of us? You know the ones, those that have run to us moments after getting the text about the most horrible break-up you’ve ever had (even though it’s 1 am), or reached out to you even after you forgot something significant in their life just to see if you’re alright. They don’t do those things because of any blood relation, they do them because of a love relation… A true friend’s love.

I myself, as I said yesterday, have been blessed with very good friends along my life’s path. Some of from decades ago, some of them in this millennium.  But, all of them have one thing in common – they all are people that I know are genuine, kind, strong people (male and female).  One of them, my best friend Barbie, is just such a person.

She and I met about 8 years ago at a time when I was on another soap box (it was the first cousin to the one I have now but it had to retire due to stress fractures – I stressed and it fractured).  I knew right away the first time we spoke she was just one of those people that once you meet them, you never forget them. She’s not only a great friend but she’s also a great person and a fantastic mom and is a beauty inside and out. She’s absolutely one of my main role models for life. One thing I so very much appreciate about her is the fact that you don’t hear her putting other people down (umm, I know, I know, I could learn a few lessons there). Oh, don't get me wrong here - she most definitely will tell me what I need to hear not just what I want to - another hallmark of a TRUE friend - and I'm very glad she's that way. It's kept me from hitting more than one ditch over the years... yes, that IS ditch with a 'd' not a 'b'... although..... oh, sorry, that's another blogpost. Suffice it to say she's saved my bacon more than once! 

What was that? Is she taken? What do you think? Of course she is. She's fabulous isn't she? And I'm here to tell you, together they exemplify what a REAL relationship is. My observance of them over the years has served at times as a renewal of the hope that I too could find someone and for that I’m eternally grateful.  (You ever notice that the letters ‘r-e-a-l’ are in relationship – just a little mixed up?) Hmmm. Interesting…

Anyway, as I was saying, through all the years of ups and downs, life and loves, Barbie and I have been there for each other. Today is her birthday and yet I’m the one who feels like I got the gift – the gift of her friendship. 

If you have someone like this in your life, make this your “National Day of My Best Friend” and tell them “Thank you for the gift of your friendship and consider this my 'will be there' RSVP of mine to you”.

 

 

UP AGAINST THE WALL

TODAY’S POST IS DEDICATED TO THOSE FRIENDS WE HAVE THAT HAVE REMAINED WITH US OVER THE DECADES, KIDS AND DIVORCES.

Now, I know we’ve all heard that saying “up against the wall” and it’s one of those sayings that can have many meanings, usually something like you’re in a tough spot.  For me, it transports me back to the spring of 1980, my senior year in high school. Let me paint you a picture here – I think you’ll like the subject…

Like any other high school senior I was looking forward to 2 things – prom and graduation. You see, that year, I had a boyfriend… one I could actually take home to meet my mother… and he had agreed to take me to my prom. On top of that, I had many college scholarships offered to me so entry into college was secure.

The cherry on top of that triple scoop of ice cream was the fact that I had a couple of really good friends.  One of them (Paula), was definitely one of those people you want in the trenches with you if things got 'dicey'. (I think we hit it off because we were both a bit ummm outspoken.) Another of them was a guy (Greg) I had met that went to a high school across the river from me in Monroe, Louisiana. Greg was just one of those guys you could always count on, day or night, good weather or bad, to be there for you.  (I believe he was the original prototype teddy bear.)

Even back then going muddin’ or four-wheelin’ was the big thing to do (and you kids today thought you invented that) and he had a four-wheel drive that was a blast. So, we spent a lot of time riding around, talking about life, where we wanted it to take us, (not really caring how we got there). You know, the normal things teenagers that age think about when they’re too ‘old’ to consider themselves teens and not old enough to realize that’s exactly what they are.

Anyway... this particular friend... well there was just always something a little extra special about him and a week before my prom, he reminded me why. Remember that awesome boyfriend I was telling you about? HE DUMPED ME DAYS BEFORE MY PROM. I was a wreck.  

Deeply depressed, I cried loud and long on my friend’s shoulder. I don’t know if it was the fact he wanted to help me out or that he just wanted to stop my wailing but, whatever the case, in his usual quiet way, he said he’d be happy to take me to my prom. As usual, he had swooped in on his white horse (umm, more like a four-wheel drive) and turned my devastation into delight. 

We went to my prom and it is still one of my most cherished memories from my senior year. As we were leaving, the last song that was playing was the Jerry Jeff Walker tune “Up Against the Wall Redneck Mother”. It may not have been the most romantic song but it was certainly fitting for where and how we grew up. Being there, with my REAL friend, I believe is what made it so special.

Greg and I remain friends today, I’m proud to say, despite the Texas-Louisiana border. I know some say women can’t be friends with men or vice versa but I’m here to tell you that’s about as wrong as picturing Santa Claus in a thong at the beach!

Let me tell you something, people: having a friend like that in your life, someone you can count on, cry on and, still to this day call on, is worth more than any stock investment. (After all, you’ll see plus and minus signs next to stock investments while friendship investments are ALWAYS positive - with interest.)

THE SCARIEST TRICK? ... TEENAGERS!

 

WELCOME TO MY ‘WEB’….
 

EEEEEKKKKK! Good thing it’s Halloween – I’d hate for all this good fright to go to waste. Have you ever had the opportunity to read some of the text messages on your teenager’s phone, especially any that pertain to you? Well I have and talk about an eyeball-popping, blood curdling scream experience!

Seriously, if you EVER want to know how your kids feel about you, read their text. Believe me, they’re in too big a hurry to edit (or sugar coat) it. Now, hold on, save those pitchforks and cauldrons for trick or treating – I wasn’t just snooping. If the little darling isn’t wise enough to keep it put away from the prying eyes of school administrators then it’s fair game as ‘inquiring minds want to know’.

All I can say, though, is careful what you wish for, especially when the motto of the day is “TRICK OR TREAT”. Now, your experience could be different than mine; perhaps your young man (or lady) thinks you do no wrong and walk on water (in which case may I point the way to the Vatican in Rome as that’s where all saints go). My experience, however, was one that I could equate to kinda like loving chocolate but being allergic to peanut butter and getting nothing but Reese’s and Snickers in your Halloween pumpkin.

 

HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ALL… May you all have more treats than tricks (unless you prefer it the other way around in which case is a whole other blogpost!)

 

 

CUE CARDS AND THE CHANGING CANVAS

In light of the darkness brought about by what was “Hurricane Sandy”, or “Frankenstorm”, or whatever you wish to call it, I am overwhelmed by the gravity of the climatological catastrophe that will no doubt forever change the landscape of the Northeast United States.  But I also subscribe to that old saying: “If I don’t laugh, I’m just gonna sit right down and cry.”

Besides, one could make the argument that especially in the dark, levity does provide some light. I myself am no stranger to that concept, choosing to use humor as a defense mechanism in the face of strife. (Of course that may be why those around me say I have a sick sense of humor sometimes, too.)

I’ve been seeing all these ‘fake’ photos circulating around the web, allegedly showing scenes of sharks swimming through a neighborhood street or water washing waist high on the Statue of Liberty and they got me to thinking… I know, I know about time right?! Anywho… thinking… makes you think - those make about as much sense as the meteorologists standing knee deep in water, struggling against 40 mph wind gusts all the while reading cue cards telling us “If you’re in this area GET OUT”.  Umm… They call them cue cards for a reason people!

Oh, and speaking of cue cards (you knew I was gonna head my horse down this trail at some point didn’t you) wouldn’t they be convenient to have on a date! I’ve been in more than a few situations in the past when they would’ve come in downright handy. For instance, the time I agreed to go on a date with a guy that I met at the auto parts store only to find out he didn’t have a car. Non-driving auto guy - How’s that for an oxymoron… or just plain moron? Anyway, I sure could’ve used a cue card to get me out of that one.  

Anyway, in all sincerity, to all those on the East Coast, my thoughts and prayers go out for you. I hope for you the ability to see that yesterday’s landscape is now perhaps tomorrow’s canvas and that your heart and your strength are able to guide your brush. 

 

NEVER JUDGE A FACE(book) BY ITS COVER

Ok, I’d like to take a poll here (I have to because my soapbox’s last Facebook status put it somewhere near Austin).  Anyway, like I was saying – a poll.  How many of you (men and women) are in some sort of a relationship?... Wow, that many?... Then let’s whittle it down a bit as my Papaw use to say. How many of you are in a relationship and have your real relationship status posted on your Facebook for all the world to see? I’m impressed. Now, one more question. How many of you are in a relationship, with your status posted for the world’s view and are accepting friends that your significant other has no clue who they are and THEIR status says… you guessed it… SINGLE?! I wondered where that cricket went! Well, then, here’s a better question… WHY?

 A friend and I were visiting recently and we decided to do some poking around on Facebook (no not the Facebook version) just to take a random sampling – kinda like the county fair pie judges do. To say we hit paydirt would be like calling the California Gold Strike a winning scratch-off ticket.

Now I realize there are those in the herd (mares and stallions alike) that change their relationship status so often it’s like breeding season at the ranch. Of course they would be more difficult to keep up with (like TMZ trying to keep up with James Bond’s girlfriends). But this isn’t really about that herd. This is more for those who really do at least make an attempt to have one filly (or stallion) in their barn.

So, now back to the original question of WHY. If their answer is something like “My computer did it”, well that’s the equivalent of “The dog ate my homework” (and about as likely). Ok, ok, ok, now stop that – that last tomato almost hit me! Yes, I realize there ARE exceptions and allowances like those people from work or in that person’s industry. Geez! I’m from the country not an Alaskan tundra after all.

To sum it up: Guys, if you’re in a relationship with an alpha mare but decide you fancy the filly with the stockings on the other side of the fence, then before the alpha mare turns you into the ‘literary’ gelding, you might want to make sure you're ready to clear the fence first. (Otherwise you could end up a gelding one way or another anyhow.) I hear a few of you mares whinnying at that so just hold up... If you’re happy with your own private treaty breeding program, then you might want to give your stallion the heads up if some little colt wants to meet you at the fence! (It can get awfully cold and lonely when you're the only one in your barn - and that goes for fillies and colts alike).